We here at Major Celebrity News get giddy with amusement when the celeb news sites put random words in quotation marks, so you can imagine our delight when we saw this Us Weekly headline this morning. In fact, I'm not even going to write a blog post about this. I'm just going to copy and paste the conversation that Sarah and I had about the article:

Sarah: Omg... so many quote marks on Us Weekly... "so many."
Aranya: I know!!! It's "hysterical." Lindsay Lohan: I'm Not "Dating" 36-Year-Old Female Photographer. We're just "screwing."
Sarah: I'm just a "totally" messed up "whorebag."
Aranya: It's probably due to my "father" and the fact that I was raised on "cocaine."

Well, Lindsay may not be "dating" this weird photog chick, but they're definitely doing "something" together. The article notes that, according to one source, they get together and talk about "art" and the "deeper meaning of life." Sounds like they're "tongue wrestling" to us. We can't wait for the next "story" about this "fascinating" "couple."

Crazy stuff going down on the set of Entourage, folks. As you've probably heard, Jessica Simpson is making a cameo on an upcoming episode and apparently, her ass made quite the impression on Jeremy Piven when she showed up to film her scene. An on-set witness told Us Weekly that Piven kept "staring at" her butt. As far as we know, he didn't do anything more than "stare at" Simpson's rear, but whose to say? He might have been "licking his lips" while "staring at" it, or he might have "blinked" during the whole fiasco. However the only thing that's been confirmed at this juncture is that he was in fact, "staring at" it.

The blabber-mouth who spilled this "story" to the tabloid mag didn't hold back when divulging the deets. According to him/her, Piven has absolutely no standards when it comes to the ladies, so Simpson's shapely behind was simply too much for him to handle (hence, the "staring at" episode). The source also pointed out that, given that Simpson can't act her way out of a box, her cameo thankfully involves nothing more than her opening the door for Jeremy Piven's character. Our favorite quote was:

"She had on a very tight skirt and was leaning against the door in a sexy way. They did the scene a few times and didn't change much. The whole production is very laid back and they always have a good time. Jessica seemed to be having a ball and was not taking herself too seriously."

What exciting information! They did it a few times and didn't change much?! That is SO shocking because there's obviously so many different things that could have been done for that scene. And how totally awesome and down to earth of Jessica to not take herself too seriously, because lord knows she could have, what with the intensity of her role and all. Thank GOD she didn't have to speak. Imagine the complications that would have ensued! She wouldn't have been able to relax and Piven would have been distracted from "staring at" her ass.

In any event, we'll be waiting with baited breath to see whose ass Jeremy Piven "stares at" next. We likely won't have to wait long, given his willingness to "stare at" anything with a va-jay, including "ugly girls."

We were relieved to come across this bit from Us Weekly, both out of our obvious concern for Paris Hilton's heart health as well as the sleep-depriving worry that she won't have a bikini body by the time summer hits.

But fear not! Paris Hilton is good to go, now that she's stopped eating McDonald's and In-n-Out.

Fast food restaurants couldn't be reached for comment, but they were likely shocked by the news and racing to the streets to recruit customers that would replace Paris Hilton's raging appetite that kept them in business for so many years.

Meanwhile, my brother-in-law stopped drinking brown soda, so naturally I've been sitting by the phone waiting for CNN to call.

The news you watch might be reporting on world affairs and economic catastrophes, but People.com is clearly the place to turn to get a true glimpse into the country's real problems.

Like that Marissa Jaret Winokur dyed her hair (took the peroxide plunge, and People eloquently puts it), only to learn that people liked it better brown.

People reports that this "tough decision" (seriously) came at Winkour's own will, but the show biz industry hasn't quite taken to it. So it's a good thing we have the news to tell us what we, the greater population, has to be concerned about. At the end of the day, I typically reflect on where I might be in 5 years, how I'm going to pay my bills, and if Marissa Jaret Winokur is ever going to get a show biz job with that blonde hair.

As a side note, this "story" came from People speaking with Winokur at the Silver Spoon Dog and Baby Buffet in Los Angeles. Someone please explain wtf that is and why it is not the story in itself.

Yes! Do tell. Surely though we have nothing else in common, our literary collections will align nicely and it will be just like we spent the summer together, twirling our hair and sitting in lawnchairs with any of these books open in our lap.

File this under breaking news: Mariah Carey wears sweatpants within the walls of her own home. This revelation even comes straight from her husband Nick Cannon.

What kind of husband just goes so carelessly public such private and disparaging news? Surely the masses believed that a star like Mariah Carey pranced around her own house only in 4-inch heels. But no, sometimes she embraces the comfort of cotton, and even wears an apron when she cooks. They really are just. like. us.

They say the details make a story here, and that's what this one seems to be missing--does Mariah ever wear the sweatpants WITH the apron? Do the sweats have the grandpa-esque tapered cuffs at the bottom, or are they casual and free-flowing over her ankles? My god, could the sweats even be cropped? I'm sensing this will domino into many more cutting-edge, inside looks into Mariah Carey's life, so stay tuned.

Last Saturday wasn't just any 'ole Saturday for former Smallville actress Kristin Kreuk. Oh no, it was a "Fruit Salad Saturday," as reported by the ever-vigilant celeb news blog JustJared.com. According to JustJared, the 27-year-old Kreuk was spotted taking her fruit salad to go as she hopped into a car. Unfortunately, no additional information is provided and we are left completely dangling. We can only hypothesize the rest of the pertinent details surrounding this monumental event. Where did Kreuk purchase this fruit salad and how much did it cost? And perhaps most importantly, what kind of fruits were in it and where did she ultimately end up eating it? Did she simply chow down in the car or did she transport her healthy cargo to another location and enjoy it there? And of course, there's the obvious question lingering in everyone's minds: Why did she get this fruit salad on Saturday as opposed to, oh, Sunday or even Friday? Unless JustJared comes up with some answers, we'll never know. Just file it right next to "Who Shot JFK?" in the unsolved mysteries section of your brain.

We haven't heard news like this since Britney admitted K-Fed was a whiz in the kitchen when it came to things like fried chicken and macaroni and cheese. Ah, young love. So we were really excited to get today's latest news from People.com, where it was confirmed by Mariah Carey's husband, Nick Cannon, that the pop-diva-whatever can cook "fun dishes." Like English muffin pizzas. What are you eating the rest of the time if English muffin pizzas are your idea of a good time?

She even makes her own marinara sauce because, as Nick says, she's "skilled like that." (For the record, we can roam the tomato paste aisle as well as any celebrity). So not only will there be English muffin pizzas on the dinner table, but Mariah's a regular Wolfgang Puck behind the scenes to create such culinary masterpieces. It's also key to note this English-muffin-pizza-making doubles as quality time for Nick and Mariah. Because it takes two people. To make English muffin pizzas.

Medical research grinded to a halt this weekend with a breakthrough that stunned both doctors and patients alike: Heidi Montag's elephantine breasts could one day succumb to gravitational forces and...droop, according to Us Weekly's team of medical reproters and researchers.

Oddly enough, having massive foreign objects placed into her body could even hinder breastfeeding.

"If the breasts are too big, the baby can’t latch on to get a mother's milk," [Dr. Joel Beck] says...As Montag ages, he adds, "the implants will thin the [skin] tissues and require a breast lift." The implants are so oversized, they could even "erode through the skin and be exposed, mandating [their] removal," adds Dr. Beck.

Hearing such commentary from MDs themselves is a bit shocking in itself. Heidi's 10-surgeries-in-a-day was so grossly covered in the press that we could have only guessed it was an awesome move when it comes to maintaining your health.

Even a Harvard-trained medical professional is involved. But he says he is most concerned about Heidi's (they must be on a first-name basis) "emotional health and sense of body image."

Yes, that is our concern in this big, bad world as well. Thank god these breaking news alerts keep us grounded.

Just when it felt like a slow news week, the unthinkable happened in Los Angeles: Jennifer Aniston pulled up her pants.

You might think this headline is some sort of metaphor, or perhaps might be referring to some Jennifer-Aniston-fans-only inside joke we don't all know about, but in fact, the meat of the story here on Pop Sugar is Jennifer Aniston pulling up her pants. If you're still having a hard time believing this shameless action, the photo appears to clearly illustrate that pants were indeed pulled at the hands of Jen herself.

Hard to believe that this Hollywood wonder would yank on her denim as if she were one of the common folk. We had heard stars were "just like us," but this is more than we ever could have expected. She's even got a belt on, for God's sake.

What happens if the shirt she's wearing rides up? Does J.A. just go pulling it back down willy-nilly? What about an untied shoe? It's so hard to be prepared for the unexpected like this. Bear with us.